Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this...

School was stupid today. Did fine on my Algebra quiz, sucked on my Geometry quiz, did absolutely nothing during Dig Comm, starting filling out my study guide for science and had absolutely no idea what they were talking about, had to do twice as much Brit Lit because the curriculum is on a 5-day schedule, and God forbid you miss a day, because then it takes two billion hours to read instead of just one billion due to the fact that you have to read twice as much and answer twice as many questions about the reading . Not to mention I can't retain any information I read, so then when I have to answer questions about it I don't even remember what they're talking about. Gosh, I feel like a complete idiot.

It is taking ages to rip this CD to my computer.

Well, on the bright side of things, my clothes that I need to pack are dry, The Sun and The Moon is on, my hair is still pink fuschia, I have a four pack of Jones Energy sitting around, and we leave for LifeLight tomorrow. Sure, it's Thursday night and still no one knows what we're going to eat the entire time, and still no one understands that we're trying to avoid going to food vendors, and still I have nothing packed, and still I have no money to pay for the food that I also don't have to eat for the next four days, and still we're missing all of the Friday night acts, but we're going.


It's not really that bad. I'm just in a crappy mood. I hate stress and feeling like an idiot. That's basically all. *shrug* No big deal.

I need to pack.

Mara Tenille



Jump in and go and we could drive for years, we could feel alive...

Today was sort of stupid. I have felt nasty and sickly all day, and everyone else is getting sick too, and my best friend is done with youth group, and stuff. I don't really remember. I had way more to whine about, too. I love this blog. It's the best venting machine ever. I write whatever I want. And I don't care that you're reading it right now. Ha!

I am exhausted. Not the sort of sleepy exhausted, just sort of that crabby, icky, I'm-done-now exhausted. For that reason, I'm going to go sleep now, because it's already far later than I wanted to be awake.




Sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all...

...but then you assure me, I'm a little more than useless...
Relient K is awesome. I love them. It's the sort of music that I really identify with, but that isn't so serious that I cringe at myself as it exposes all my insecurities. That totally sounded way more profound than it really was.

Tonight was the Party Bowl. It was nice. I had a lovely time. I am, however, rather moody, so I feel bad now and I'm afraid that I was too disconnected and people were feeling weird about me or something. I don't know. Maybe I'm too self-conscious at all the wrong times. I did climb a tree. With some help. Hehe. Yes. It was a good party bowl.

Tomorrow is Prairie Fest. I'm going to the parade and then to the other exciting festivities and whatnot and then, at 2, I have to go be in the talent show. I'm nervous already. I really hope I don't do badly. I don't even have the song memorized. I feel like a slacker. Hahaha. Oh well, I hope it goes well, and that's really all I can do at this point.

There are some people I love very, very much. And there are others that, despite the fact that I love them, drive me crazy at times. Yeah. I need to learn not to dislike people so much. It's really sort of dumb, considering I'm just as idiotic and dumb as anyone else. *shrug*

Sleep sounds amazing right now.

Mara Tenille, the butterfly princess


Don't suffocate day after day, it's building up...

This blog will be short, but basically, life is sort of odd and melodramatic and angsty a little bit, but it doesn't suck a whole lot, which is good, because when things suck they make me unhappy and then I get crabby and moody and no one has any fun. So yep.

Today was the first day of school. It was fine. I have an interesting combination of really annoying people and really cool people in my classes, so we'll see how it goes. Algebra will be fun, I think. Digital Communication might be really, really boring, but it could be good once the class actually starts doing something. Geometry will be the really dumb one. You know all the idiot freshmen from last year? Yeah, they're idiot sophomores now. And I get to sit with them for an hour. Every. Day. But it will maybe be okay I think? Heh. I'll work it out. We'll see.

I hate a lot of things right now. I love lots of things, but still. There are annoying things about life that I am not really fond of, and they are being idiotic right now, and that's dumb.

Mara Tenille


Welcome to existence, everyone's here...

Something fishy is going on 'round these parts... :shifty:

Yeah. Hi. You know what I hate? When there isn't anyone you feel like you can go to. Like all your normal people you vent to are insufficient, and there's just not anyone. Like, you just want someone to whine at, but you can't for whatever reason. It's dumb. I hate it. But we already covered that.

Copeland is a good band. So's Anberlin. I'm going to see them in two weeks! I am really excited for LifeLight. I also want to see Stellar Kart and Project 86 and Leeland and some other bands that I forgot. Yessss. I'm happy.

Tomorrow we're going to the Science Center. I like that. The Science Center makes this homeschooled nerd a happy one. Hoorah.

I miss my notebooks. I should go write in them or something one of these days.

Mara Tenille


Things are gonna change for the better...

Ha! I said 'gonna' and that's not ever a real word! That makes me a loser, and I don't even care.

Gosh, I'm a bad liar. *laugh* I felt ugly all day today, and didn't tell anyone, because that feels wrong and I don't really need people to tell me oh-that's-not-true-you're-so-beautiful-blah-blah-blah, because half the time they don't really think you're beautiful, they just disagree when you say you're ugly and they want you to feel better, and I didn't want to feel better based on flattery, and whatever. So, I countered my acne and lack of makeup by wearing my glasses and some lime green running shorts and a grey t-shirt. It made it worse. I tried not to care. Let me tell you something, not caring can be a freaking lot of work sometimes. That said, I will find a better way to destroy my insecurities than just ignoring them, because that clearly didn't work. Sometimes I am a very silly girl.

Hooray for string cheese and wiping mayo off of people's cars and laughing when people mispronounce words and not knowing where the peanut butter and jelly are at Aldi and buying new t-shirts and some rockin' mechanical pencils (I used to hate those) and cute bug erasers and 10 notebooks for a dollar! Today was... weird. It's weirdness made me tired and worn out.



If you could see then you'd understand...

This is for Andrew. Happy birthday!

I am at a total loss for any words that I feel I could actually say. The ones I think of don't even come close. I'm supposed to be a writer, and yet you seem so hard to define. Why is that? Why can't I write about one of the things I am most certain of? How come I can't think of anything meaningful that even skims the surface of accuracy? Why is that?

Andrew is so different. Maybe that's why he's hard to write about. He's not like the average American 16 (!!!) year old guy, and anyone that knows him would have to agree with me. He notices the outsiders and welcomes them. He sees the lost and loves them with a zeal I would die to have. He is living proof that chivalry isn't dead. He has his moments, but at the same time he is the sort of person that inspires me to be better. Everyone is going to say I'm biased, and maybe it's true, but you would kill for a friend like Andrew.

Now, as I get closer and closer to not posting this on your birthday as I'd planned, I have only one thing to say. Thank you so much.

Mara Tenille Dickens
The butterfly child


Sweet home Alabama, where the skies are so blue...

This blog is dedicated to the best little big brother ever, Andy.

Andy rocks. Andy is the sort of person who will wack me with a Twizzler and then when I tell him it hurt, wack himself with the Twizzler, and then say 'Wow, you're right!' without apologizing or feeling the least bit of guilt about it. Unless it really did hurt badly, in which case he'll eventually feel bad about it, but not unless I end up with visible proof that he injured me.

I've always said that if I die a tragic death, it will be Andy's fault, and it's still true. He's insane. But so am I. Together our insanity has created many near-death experiences and random acts of stupidity. I'm surprised I'm not dead yet, actually. But you know what? It's totally awesome. Life would not be nearly as cool if it weren't for all of the stupid things Andy and I do. Life wouldn't be nearly as cool without Andy, period. Andy's just a cool guy. Everyone needs to do something really stupid every once in a while, right? Like breaking trampolines or playing tag on bikes or shooting tomcats out of the upstairs window and stuff. Yeah. See? You're just dying to do something stupid now, aren't you? Andy is a pretty spiffin' guy. He makes life more interesting. But seriously, one of these days he's going to kill me, and it's going to be freaking hilarious.

Mara the big little sister


[We totally couldn't think of anything to put here.]

This blog is about someone. Who is that someone, you ask? We have no idea yet. 'We' being myself, Kacy, and Emily. We're bored, we're hot (take that one how you want to), and we're blogging. So now, we'll interrupt this rather pointless string of sentences to decide who we're actually going to dedicate this blog to.

[insert long discussion here]

Okay. After a long and intense discussion where Bass abandoned us and then came crawling back multiple times leaving Emily and I to think this out, we decided to blog about Marisa Simpson. Because she's awesome. And she has some crazycool scrapbooking things. Like little letter typer things and stuff.

Kacy says she helped put some sort of cream stuff on his hands one time. And he broke their mower. Twice. I babysat her kids one time and she didn't know what to pay me, so she wrote this elaborate system and ended up paying me something really weird *laugh* That was awesome. Emily saw her go through the Starbuck's drivethrough one time while she was working.

Yep. Basically, we all have fond memories of Marisa. But despite the fact that we love her, we don't really have anything else to say.

Mara, Emily, and Kacy

You're way too beautiful girl, that's why it'll never work...

This blog is dedicated to my favorite Emily in the whole wide world. One of my best friends. The person who's willing to tell me that if I ever do anything really stupid I'd better tell her about it so she can kick my butt, but promises to still love me. The person who drives me around and loans me money and goes to see She's The Man over and over again with me. The person who makes faces at me during church while I'm on stage. That's Emily.

Emily used to hate me. And then I thought she was mean. And then Mom made me ask her to a movie, and so me, Mom, and Emily went to see Ella Enchanted at the dollar theatre in Ames. We bought her popcorn. And then she started to hate me less and less and eventually (don't ask me how this happened) we were friends. And we just sort of have been ever since. We've never really fought, we've never had any arguments that were more than petty, and we've never been afraid to tell each other the truth. She'll totally tell me if I'm being an idiot, and I'll totally tell her if she's being mean to people, and we love each other anyway. It's sort of cool. I love her to death.

So, Em, this one's for you. Because you're way too beautiful, girl. That's why it'll never work. You've got me suicidal, suicidal, when you say it's oooovveeerrr... *grin* Love you!



Thorphiliate stinded yilla billa zay, wentora yate paravillintiniay, paravillintiniay...

The next few posts are going to be dedication posts for people, because Kacy asked for one, and because I decided that it would be sort of fun to write blogs for people. So I'll do them until I get tired and feel like using my blog for my own selfish purposes again.

This blog is dedicated to Kacy Parker Bass. You asked. I didn't even make you wait until you got married. Good luck getting that done in the next year, by the way. Let me know how that works out. *wink*

Kacy is hilarious. The guy tells the truth extremely rarely, and so when he does, no one will listen because he always lies. Like, constantly. And they're hilarious lies. Like the time he tried to convince us that when he was a baby he was an extra in the Swiss Family Robinson movie, and the story got more and more elaborate until eventually his entire family was the main cast of Swiss Family Robinson. The world just wouldn't be the same without Kacy's absurd lies. His absurdities make life better. It certainly adds an interesting element to any real story he tries to tell us. *laugh*

But in all seriousness, Kacy is a really cool guy, and I'm not just saying that because he asked me to dedicate a blog to him. Today he taught me to play ping-pong, which was really fun, and we had some really neat conversations. When he's not making up some absurd story about something, he has really good things to say about life and about himself. Adam was right when he told him to tell the truth more often. *winkwink*

Mara Tenille Dickens

PS) Mom wants to add that on Sunday night Kacy gave himself a bad case of milk belly after chasing a jalapeno pepper with half a gallon of milk. Consequently, I had no milk for my raisin bran this morning. I was crushed.


If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine...

I am a silly girl. *laugh*

It's funny how we get so worked up over small things. Like, I spent way more time and energy on my make-up and hair and outfit this morning, all for the purpose of impressing people. It was dumb. Because then I forgot my guitar strap, and that was far more important than looking pretty. I was just thinking too hard about the wrong things, I think. There are far more important things to worry over. I should have focused more on worship team, and less on looking nice, because really, which is more important? I think people do that all the time. We freak out over how Britney's giving her kids Pepsi before bed, when the family next door has nothing to eat. Little children are starving in Africa for goodness sake, and we're worried about how much money we're going to spend at Hickory park this weekend (yeah, that's my classic guilt-trip). *sighlaugh* Wow. We're messed up.

Put my to-do list in the right order./

Mara Tenille


Give me one more chance to be near you...

I am listening to On Fire by Switchfoot and eating Chocolatey Chip Teddy Grahams and downloading and installing amazingly awesome fonts. It doesn't get much better than this.



Kill me, burn me down, I swear I won't forget...

Hans is home! I talked to him on GTalk for a little while, which was nice. I am getting to see all these people that I haven't talked to for however long all at once, and it is an absolutely wonderful feeling. It makes me want to laugh at nothing and everything and it makes me want people to laugh with me.

Andy and Jessica came over and we watched Nacho Libre (that movie is stupid, but it's hilarious) and Andy and Sophie played a pinball videogame for like, an hour. It was hilarious. I had a lot of fun.

Right now I'm installing GIMP, and then I need to install all the necessary fonts and brush sets and whatnot so I can make awesome things. I'm feeling inspired. I love that feeling. I wish it would stay forever. I hate feeling uninspired.

I can't find the brush set I need to download. I really hope it's not gone. There is no brush set like the wings one. DeviantArt is stupid, but it supplies my GIMP with awesomeness, but if it's gone, I'll be severely heartbroken. Maybe then I'll write some emo songs or something. Or make emo wingless desktop backgrounds and buddy icons. Ha.


I'm the type of person who lets fear drive...

I really, really like Amazing Because It Is. A lot.

So, I have signed up for Xanga several times just so I could read other people's blogs, because no one likes Blogger, so they all have Xangas and they don't like getting stalked so they make me have Xanga too so I can see it. Which is fine. But today I actually used my most recent screenname, butterflychild2405. Yeah, it has numbers on the end, whatever. Leave me alone. *laugh* Anyway, I think I'm going to use it to put all my digital renderings and whatnot on it. That would be sort of neat, I think, and that way I can actually do something with it so it doesn't just sit there. And maybe someday, after this blog passes 200 posts (eight away!) I'll convert and use the Xanga instead of this, even though I don't like Xanga. It could happen. Maybe I'll end up liking it. You never know.

That said, Mom's stealing the computer. Which is fine. I'll just steal it later or something.



I want to break every clock, the hands of time could never move again...

Today was fantastic. Just. Yes. A wonderful day.

The band came and practiced. That was so awesome. I love those guys. We hadn't practiced in a really, really long time. I thought it went very well.

People I saw today that I missed a lot:
  • Andrew
  • Mrs. Rietgraf
  • Clive
  • Mikayla
  • Josh Rietgraf
  • Josh Moklestad
  • Ben Wiedenhoeft
Ohyes. It was so good to see them all. I love them all so much. It's funny how you don't realize nearly how much you miss someone until you see them again.

What else happened that was amazing. Lots of things. I gave up caring that people think it's weird that I went to California to meet internet people. It seems like sort of a dumb reason for people to get weirded out, andI'm a weird person, so if they do want to freak out, whatever. I went to California to hang out with some people that I met online. It's the truth. Tomorrow I'll probably care again, because I'm insecure and I don't want people to not like me, but right now it feels really good not to.

Another thing that was awesome is that I posted a massive reply/rant in Stephen Christian (the lead singer of Anberlin)'s blog. It was crazy long. Kudos to you if you know what Stephen Christian's blog is.

Yesterday I learned how to make those awesome paper flowers. Origami is my nerdy hobby of the week. Today I made several flowers, a crane, and a box.

When I have a room it's going to be really, really cool.

I did more awesome stuff today, but I really need to awesomely get some sleep, so when I remember I'll post tomorrow probably.

Goodnight. I love you all.

Mara the butterfly


We hear the tide roll through the night, come lead the weary, Lord, please make us one...

I don't have much to write about, but since I haven't for two days, it would be a good thing, I think.

Today I might go to a thing with Emily. I think it's Janelle's goodbye party, but I'm not really sure. I guess it's at some person's house who has a big TV, and we're going to watch a movie. But I don't know if Emily's going, and if she doesn't, I'm not going to, because I don't really know many of Janelle's other friends. It will probably be fun though, if we do end up going.

It's starting to look like I might go to this music festival thing over Labor Day weekend (Labor Day is the one that's coming up, right?) with some friends. That will be really, really awesome if it happens. It's called LifeLight, and we'd be staying with Kacy's aunt and uncle, and we'd leave right after school Friday (assuming we don't decide to just skip school... scandalous...) and drive up. So far, Emily, Andy, and Kacy are going for sure, and they're going to ask Andrew (who got home yesterday. Yay!) and I'm waiting on word from my parents on whether or not Mom and I are going. There are some really awesome bands playing. It will be really cool.

Yesterday I got a nail buffer, and my fingernails are all shiny. Too bad they're so ugly. They would look quite nice if they weren't so nicked up.

I should really get in the shower one of these days.



This is redemption, we don't have to slow back down...


Today I am going to call Emily, do some science (blech), and sit around. Probably go to the post office. Eat some pizza (There's a DiGiorno in the freezer. Yum!). Play my keyboard. Yep. Stuff like that.

That's really all.



You'll leave but never get away...

I love stealing song lines. I can make them mean whatever I want to. Context is great, but when I want to say something else, I have no problem disregarding what it means in it's original sense.

I miss my friends. All of them. The far away ones, and the nearby ones. It feels like it's been so long. Ugh. I miss them.

I hate computers. I wish I'd been born before they existed. They keep breaking. *angst*

This morning I played a baby grande. It was awesome. It made me want to learn to play well even more.

I'm uploading my MtlFest pictures to the Photobucket now. That makes me really, really happy in a really sad way.

I miss you all.

Mara Tenille


Sunny days, keeping the clouds away...

The assumption that Mara is having a good time is a pretty safe one, a fact I'm glad of, since I'm making that self-same assumption with all of the vim and vigor running spare and free in my turgid veins.

Not remembering when it was that she last updated, I can't be expected to remember what has happened in her life since such a time, but I will note that today she was at the beach, and frolicked in the surf, ate fish and chips from a roadside stand that gave her a mild stomachache, and, um, purchased a massively cool blue scarf-wrap sort of apparatus with black flowers printed upon it.

Other than that, we cannot personally speak for Mara.

So I'll speak for myself. Today I did, in fact, go to the beach with Hans and Leighanna and the parents. It was cool. The fish and chips were good but they did make me feel sort of icky for a little while, but that's alright. The scarf thing is a sarong that I really have no idea how to wear, but it's pretty, and I think it's funny that Hans referred to it as an apparatus. I don't really even know what an apparatus is, so I'll Google it.

Definitions of apparatus on the Web:

  • equipment designed to serve a specific function
  • (anatomy) a group of body parts that work together to perform a given function; "the breathing apparatus"

  • I feel better now.

    In six hours we are leaving for the airport. I will cry. But you know, it's odd. Part of me really doesn't want to leave, because I love these people so much, and I really have enjoyed my time here. But I have an established home, obviously, and there are people there that I also love and that I haven't seen in what feels like a long, long time. I feel this odd combination of missing the friends I have back home and wanting to stay with the friends that are here, and it's been a long time since I felt that. Hans and Leighanna are like my family, but I have a family. If I were given the choice, no strings attached, I would still choose to go home. I miss my home.

    Let the world crash, love can take it...

    Morning is coming.

    Mara Tenille Dickens
    The Butterfly Child