Through the night we were waiting for a sign, maybe rendered in the darkened sky...

I got paid today. Getting paid rocks. I feel so rich. I'm so broke though. *laugh*

Walking Downtown by Copeland is one of my favorite songs ever. It's the first Copeland song I ever heard, and I loved it from the very first time I heard it, and since then I've loved it just the same, because it's great.

Dry your eyes
There are birds singing on lampposts
They don't know what all your crying's for

There are some random lyrics from the song for your reading pleasure.

School was fine today. Work was good. Got another 3 hours in. Punched out some wallets and put them in their little boxes, stuck some proofs in their albums, stuff like that. It's fun to look at other people's pictures. I like my job.

Tomorrow I think the band is going to practice, and then people are going to come over for a hott par-tay. Emily is covering a babysitting job for me, which is good, because making plans got really confusing because things were expected that I didn't know were expected. So yeah.

I'm tired, and hungry, and sleepy, and my feet hurt from wearing these massive shoes all day. [/whine]

Oh! I almost forgot that I had to make phone calls at work today. I hate talking on the phone to people I don't know. It was a stretch for me. *laugh* I guess I should get used to it, huh?

I wonder if the stars will be out tonight.

Mara the butterfly


Your eyes see what mine cannot see...

Last night I made a playlist on Windows Media that makes me really happy.  It's got some pretty awesome music on it.  Right now I'm listening to Simon by Lifehouse.  Before that I listened to a 38th Parallel song.  Before that it was Rumors by Waking Ashland, but I skipped that one.

School was good.  I had a good day.  I ate lunch there.  It was a baked potato, which was good, except for the cheese.  It was that kind of weird cheese that they give you with concession stand nachos.  Lots of people love that cheese, but I am not one of them.  I don't hate it, and I ate most of it, but it's not my first choice.  If there had been sour cream I would have been a happy camper.  Jessica was awesome (as always) and loaned me the money for lunch because I forgot to ask Mom for some, so I have to pay her back tomorrow.  Don't let me forget.

I babysat Grace right after school, which was fun.  I love that little girl.  She is adorable.  "Mara is at my house!  Come in, come in!  Let's play with the kitchen stuff!"

I'm almost caught up with Brit Lit.  This whole year is going to stress me out to death.  There is so much of it.  I don't know, it's a lot for me.  I'm a slow reader, and if I read too much I don't remember any of it, and fancy that, the entire thing is reading and comprehension type questions.  Tons of it.  Tons, I tell you.  Goodness gracious.

I'm off to read more stuff.

Mara Tenille Dickens
The Butterfly Child


When darkness turns to light it ends tonight...

My song lines aren't scary to me. I would have put the entire line of the last one, but it would have been really long, and I generally (but not always) try to avoid having really long ones. *shrug*

Work was good today. I did fun stuff. Like, I picked pictures that Rick is going to send in to a wedding magazine, and I put the photos in a wedding album thing. It was pretty neat. I thought so, at least.

The software for my mp3 player is working pretty nicely so far. I am still a big Windows Media fan, but this is pretty decent stuff I think. However, it's not uploading music to my mp3 player the way I'd like it to, and that's frustrating.

I am tired today. Yep. We all knew that was going to happen.

Today I performed for my Algebra II class. That was weird, but fun, but more weird than fun. Carrying a guitar around school is terribly inconvenient for everyone involved. It was sort of fun, but I don't recommend it. I had a yummy juice thing. That was nice. Ummmmmmm. I wrote out a pass! I've never needed a hall pass before. Yeah. So I guess my day was sort of random. It's been good so far though. Can't complain.

One of these minutes I need to take Sophie to karate and then go see Wendy. Yay!



Looking at you, holding my breath, for once in my life I'm scared to death...

I am up way, way later than I should be.  This is going to suck tomorrow. *laugh*

Tonight was small group and all the other Wednesday stuff.  It was good.  Right now I'm installing the software for my mp3 player, with hope that it will work correctly after I do.  We'll see.  Tomorrow I have to work at 1.  That will hopefully go well.  I can't imagine it won't, but you ever know I guess.  I'll probably practice filling out orders and answering the phone.  Those would be good things to practice.  I hope I can get everything done tomorrow.  School is intense.  There is not nearly enough time in the day to get everything that I want to done.  It's so crazy.  I really should have taken Sociology and Psychology this year at DMACC.  I really wish I'd thought of that last year.  I should sleep.  I need to sleep.  Yes.



I'll sing along the whole day through...

Today was sort of awkward. I have a cold or allergies or something, and I am all sore and sort of groggy, and that's lame, but it's really not so bad except that there are very few things I hate more than blowing my nose. I also had homework today that was really confusing for me, and that was frustrating. However, there were lots of fun things about today too. Like how I wore lime green eyeshadow even though one time a long time ago a certain person said they didn't like lime green eyeshadow. I thought it was fun and sort of hilarious for some reason. It gave my whole day a nice lime green tinge of happiness. And, I got to see most of the second half of a football game, which was supposed to be an entire football game, but apparently I was confused and thought it started an hour later than it really did. That was still fun, even if we missed most of it. Today it was officially decided that Josh and Andrew and I are practicing tomorrow. That's going to be fun and awesome, because it always is.

So, that was my day. I think the awkwardness of it was just because it had good things and it had bad things and there wasn't much in between, but I liked it. It was a good day.

Tomorrow I'm making dinner. Spaghetti and homemade breadsticks. I've never made breadsticks before, so we'll see how they end up. I hope they're tasty. That'll be sort of new and different and frightening and fun I guess. *shrug* I think I'm looking forward to it. That's a good thing. Yep.

I should probably go about finishing my Brit Lit now and then get my laundry done. It needs to get picked up off the floor so that walls can start getting built.

Mara Tenille


I'm not faithless, just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose...

So I Thought by Flyleaf is a good song. I like it a lot musically, lyrically I like to take it out of context and then like it, but it's still good in context, just less so, and I don't care about not making sense.

I ordered my ring last night. I'm excited. It could take a month to get here though, which is sad, but by then I'llhave forgotten about it and so it'll be like a surprise! That's always fun. I like surprises.

The youth band played for youth group worship tonight. It was awesome. I just sang, too, which was so much fun. It was probably the best on-stage worshi experience I've had in a long time. That was a blast. I loved it. I even danced! Hahaha. Yeah, I'm weird.

I totally have a cold or allergies or something. It's killing me.

Tomorrow is Monday. I'm not terribly fond of Mondays, but since you have to go through them to get to Tuesday, I'll live with it. Wouldn't it be weird if we could skip days? Sort of like in that movie that I never did see. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like that. I like all the days to happen. If they stopped I'd be sad, unless it meant I was dead, in which case I'd be doing my little wiggle finger dance with all the Angels and Jesus would be sitting there laughing at me, and it would be great. At least, that's how I imagined it would be just now. I bet Jesus laughs at my dorky dances. Everyone else does.

Wow. Am I seriously blogging about whether Jesus laughs when I dance? I'm weird.

Mara the sleepy butterfly


The sky is falling and no one knows...

Iowa lost.  Not only did Iowa lose, but Iowa lost to Iowa State.  That's sad.

Well, despite the fact that we lost I still had a great time at the party.  It was awesome.  We had a ton of food, too.  I love food.

I dyed my hair again.  Now it's dark reddish brown.  It's never been this dark before.  So far people really like it though.  I like it.  I think it's a keeper.

I'm listening to Lifehouse.  I really like them.  I would really like to get their two newest CDs.  But!  I'm broke.  And there are a lot of CDs that I would like more than that.

Next weekend is the SMT retreat.  I'm really excited about that.  So are most of the girls.  I don't know what the boys think about it, but I think it'll be really awesome.  We're staying across from Jordan Creek Mall, so at some point we get shopping time, so all the girls are going to go try on dresses.  I like to shop, so that'll be fun for me at least. *laugh*  Kristin and I can shop, if no one else.  The teaching sounds really neat, too.  I'm really excited about that.  The whole thing should just be awesome.

Alright.  Places to go, people to see.  Later.

Mara Tenille


Until this empty place is filled, I'll keep pretending...

I really wish that the PacMan on my new phone was the full version.  But it isn't.  It's just a stupid demo.  That's so sad.  I love PacMan.  If I had a handheld PacMan that I could take anywhere my life would be complete.  Not really.  But it would be sort of cool.

Tonight is Lighthouse and small group.  I'm really excited.  I'm on Hot Seat tonight, which is cool, but I can't say I'm not a little nervous.  The group is bigger this year.  Eh, it'll be fine.  Small group will be awesome.  Today we're going to get our name for our Secret Sister thing we've got going on.  Basically what we're going to do is every month we'll get our secret person a little present.  Something inexpensive like a candy bar or some stickers or something.  Then, at Christmas and then again at the end of the school year we'll have a big party where we'll get them a real present.  I think it will be so much fun.  I'm excited!

I like Facebook, I think.  You know what I like even more?  FireFox with AdBlock Plus.  That is most of what makes Facebook cool.  The ability to not have ads.  Which is all due to the awesomeness of Firefox.  Everyone needs FireFox.

I really want to order my ring.  But I still don't know what to engrave on the inside.  *angst*

I like today a lot so far.



Nice to meet you, I'm your other half...

I think Josh and Andrew and I are going to practice tomorrow for the acoustic show.  I'm excited!  I miss practicing and having shows and stuff.  So!  That'll be awesome.  I think, too, that Matt and Marisa and Kim and Corey are coming to our show on a double date.  That is not only adorable, but it means there will actually be people I know there.  That's like an added bonus.  Oh!  And I just found out that since the SMT retreat is that weekend, the SMT is going to come see us, too!  That rocks.  Seriously.  I'm a happy camper.

Yep.  I should go do homework now.

Mara Tenille

I just wasted ten seconds of your life...

Today school was sort of blah.  Not bad really, just boringishly normal.  Aced my test in Algebra.  Finished my baseball t-shirt in Dig Comm.  It's pretty cool now.  It was sort of ugly before.  I got a nasty stomachache during Dig Comm.  It's gone now though.  Tomorrow is our first Geometry test.  We'll see how that goes.  I never really memorized all the formulas for finding area and circumference and perimeter, and we need to know them, so I need to work on those.  Most of them are easy, so it won't be hard.

I would really like to have a bigger, nicer mp3 player.  I don't really need one, and there is no way I can afford one any time soon, but it would be nice.

The new Relient K CD is awesome.  I love it.

I think I'm going to do chores and school and then take a nap.  That sounds quite lovely.

Mara the Butterfly

PS) Kacy says I'm not a butterfly.  I think he's confused.  Or maybe I'm just silly.  Or both!


Why don't you come right out and say what I know you're thinking anyway...

Today was a pretty good day. I woke up, had twenty minutes to get ready and go practice with Andrew for special tomorrow, practiced, went to Ames to get pop for the youth room (that fridge is definitely very full), came back, dropped the pop off, left the church, borrowed a key to get back in to the church because Mom locked her purse in it, went home, watched half of Stick It, took Liz H. home, went to give Andy a get-well blizzard (that kid is going to be so spoiled by the time he's healed. It's a good thing everybody loves him so much.), picked Liz H. up, and went shopping in Des Moines. It was nice. I got some neat stuff.

I am really excited for my ring. I wish I had it right now. But I don't because I'm indecisive and I don't know what to engrave on the inside. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. Seriously.

What should I wear to church tomorrow? Hmmm...

Mara Tenille


I built these walls, come get to me...

It's funny how sometimes you build walls around yourself automatically without even really noticing.  That's what happens most often for me.  I won't trust someone just by default, because I'm so used to blocking people out like that.  I do that all the time and it doesn't even occur to me until I'm actually looking for it.  I am not typically a very trusting person, and even of the few people I do trust more than I would normally, I really don't trust many of them, if any of them, completely.  Maybe that's a good thing, or maybe it's not.  I'm still figuring that out.  How much trust is too much?  How much is too little?  Who can I trust?  But that's somewhat beside the point I'm trying to get at.

So, I build walls of distrust and fear without even thinking about it most of the time.  But recently it's been really weird.  I can feel myself building walls.  I can feel myself wondering if I should trust a person or not.  I can feel myself developing this fear that someone will hurt me or abandon me or decide I'm not worth it anymore.  I can feel it happening.  I've never had that happen before.  Where I can tell I'm doing that.  Before, it's always just sort of happened.  But this is so bizarre.  It scares me.  I don't want to be afraid, I don't like fear.  I don't want to be afraid of people.  It makes them so hard to love the way I want to love, because I'm so afraid of that love being wasted.  Love takes too much away for it not to be returned.

So I have to stop.  And that's hard.  It's hard not to be afraid.  I'm scared of so many things, really.  Spiders.  Drowning.  Falling.  So what do you do?  Live on?  Give up?  Get over it?

Everyone needs to pray for Andy.  He's in surgury right now, actually, for his hand.  He broke it last night playing football and he'll be out the rest of the season, which really, really sucks.  I'm leaving for the hospital right now.  Thanks!

Mara Tenille
The Butterfly Child


I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before...


Today I get my phone.  Iamsoexcited. *giggle*

I got a Geometry quiz back today.  100%.  I am really happy about that.  Especially considering I got like, a C+ on the last one, which is lame, and not good enough.

I now declare this email thing awesome.

Does anyone have any ideas for songs to add to my playlist that is on here?  I'm running out of ideas.

Today is a good day.  I like it.

Mara Tenille


I know you'd save me from a thousand fears...

So!  I'm testing out this spiffy email blogger thing.  Basically, I can email this super secret email address and then BOOM!  It magically will be a blog post.  It will work better this way, I think, because Blogger has been finicky for me.  So yep!  Hopefully it will work.

Our computer has been really slow lately.  It's stupid.  At least it isn't like dial-up, but you know, still.  It's annoying.  When you get used to things working well, it's not exactly pleasant when they start to be dumb. *shrug*

I am excited because tomorrow I'm getting a new cellphone.  It's going to have an insanely small amount of minutes (me, Mom, and Sophie are sharing 550 minutes.  That's three hours per month per person.), but weekends and nights are free, so that'll be great.  I'm not totally sure what kind of phone it's going to be because Dad wasn't sure if it was going to be an M300 or a RAZR, but they're both cute phones.  And I called a red one.  Hehehe.

I am also excited (it's been sort of an exciting day) because I picked a purity ring and it's awesome because I can have the inside engraved.  I don't know what to put on it though.  But!  It's a cute ring.  I like it.

Another exciting thing: me and Andrew's prize money from Prairie Fest came!  So I get to hand Andrew a $50 bill and grin and be a happy person.  There isn't really anything left of my $50, but that's alright, because I spent it pretty well.

I need to get baking.  I'm making cookies for small group tonight!

Mara the Butterfly


All I've got to say is I must have done something right...

Goodness, life has been crazy. I like it though. Yes. It can stick around.

LifeLight was amazing. I wish I hadn't gotten so tired and worn out. I probably came off as a jerk a lot more than I had intended. I also probably intended to come off as a jerk when I shouldn't have. Because really, you never should come off as a jerk. All the same, LifeLight rocked, everyone got along well in my opinion, TobyMac and Tait played Jesus Freak together and were amazing, Anberlin is still the best ever, and I bought some awesome t-shirts, two of which are somewhat politiocally incorrect which makes me happier than it probably should, and I most likely won't wear the more politically incorrect of the two because it is so out there, but it will sit in my drawer and I will grin at it. Here! I'll find a picture of it.

Here's the one I probably won't wear much:

Annnnd here's the one that I got for free that is hugely large and needs to be modified, but that I will most likely wear:

And here's the rockin' Anberlin shirt that I got for cheap because it was the display one and had pinholes in it:

Aren't they awesome? They make me so happy. *grin*

I should probably go do Algebra before I sleep off these leftover concert fumes.

Mara the politically incorrect butterfly