It's funny how sometimes you build walls around yourself automatically without even really noticing. That's what happens most often for me. I won't trust someone just by default, because I'm so used to blocking people out like that. I do that all the time and it doesn't even occur to me until I'm actually looking for it. I am not typically a very trusting person, and even of the few people I do trust more than I would normally, I really don't trust many of them, if any of them, completely. Maybe that's a good thing, or maybe it's not. I'm still figuring that out. How much trust is too much? How much is too little? Who can I trust? But that's somewhat beside the point I'm trying to get at.
So, I build walls of distrust and fear without even thinking about it most of the time. But recently it's been really weird. I can feel myself building walls. I can feel myself wondering if I should trust a person or not. I can feel myself developing this fear that someone will hurt me or abandon me or decide I'm not worth it anymore. I can feel it happening. I've never had that happen before. Where I can tell I'm doing that. Before, it's always just sort of happened. But this is so bizarre. It scares me. I don't want to be afraid, I don't like fear. I don't want to be afraid of people. It makes them so hard to love the way I want to love, because I'm so afraid of that love being wasted. Love takes too much away for it not to be returned.
So I have to stop. And that's hard. It's hard not to be afraid. I'm scared of so many things, really. Spiders. Drowning. Falling. So what do you do? Live on? Give up? Get over it?
Everyone needs to pray for Andy. He's in surgury right now, actually, for his hand. He broke it last night playing football and he'll be out the rest of the season, which really, really sucks. I'm leaving for the hospital right now. Thanks!
The Butterfly Child