Hold my hand while I'm sinking in the sand, no one else could understand, you are my anchor...

Andrew is coming over.  He is going to be here any time now, I think.  So this is just a quick blog update to tell you all my activities of late.

Today me and Andrew and Josh and Peter and probably Patrick are going to see Atombender at Blinks.  I am really excited to go.  I haven't seen Ben since our band stopped playing, and it's their CD release party.  It's going to be lots of fun. Plus, we're going to Hickory Park for dinner beforehand.  Delicious.

Yesterday I chilled at home.  It was nice.  I finished Mikayla's hat.  It is a wicked sweet hat, and I really want to steal it.  I am going to make my own once I find some yarn I like.  Hers is baby blue.  I have enough yarn that I could definitely make another, so I could just do that.

My hair is dyed again.  It's almost black.  But it's actually just dark brown.  I think I like it.

Prom is in exactly one week!  I am so excited.  It is going to be so much fun.  My dress rocks, and my jewelry rocks, and my long black gloves are going to rock once they finally get here, and my shoes rock, and my hair had better rock or else I'll be mad, and everything else will rock.

The basement is cold.



And all these bad dreams, I wake up to the light, and when I can't see, I wake up to your eyes...

I want to say thank you to all the people that have reached out to me over the last few weeks. I have needed all of you so badly, and I have felt so alone, and the few people that have seen that have really been amazing. I love you guys, and I still need you.

The song lines that are on my heart:

There's an angel by your hospital bed
Desperate to hear his name on your breath
As he looks down, you're not making a sound

Open your eyes, look at me
I'll bring to you whatever you may need
And I'll tell you I'm sorry that I can't take this pain away from you
I'd put it on my own body if I knew how to
Can't you see?

It's testing the strong ones
Scarring the beautiful ones
It's holding your loved ones one last time

~ Copeland Testing the Strong Ones (#75)

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down?
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you everything would be alright
If I'd see you, this darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes, and know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

~ Lifehouse Storm (#67)

Go on ahead and let it fade away.
No looking back, you know the past will stay.
It's you and me, we could get out of here.
Jump in and go and we could drive for years.
We could feel alive

~ Mae Summertime (#18)

Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another

~ Underoath Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape (#38)

Back to where we started, losing who we were
Everybody knows that you'd break your neck to keep your chin up

~ Copeland Chin Up (#68)

I found God on the corner of First and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where've you been?"
He said, "Ask anything."

Where were you when everything was falling apart?
All my days were spent by the telephone
That never rang, and all I needed was a call
That never came to the corner of First and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Early morning, the city breaks
And I've been calling
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You've got some kind of nerve taking all that I want

~ The Fray You Found Me (#74)

And all these bad dreams
I wake up to the light
And when I can't see
I wake up to your eyes

Wake me up

There's a light up ahead

~ Further Seems Forever There's A Light Up Ahead (#55)


I've been calling for years and years and years and years and you never left me no messages, you never sent me no letters...

Am I angry at God?  Not usually.  Sometimes?  Yes.  Sometimes I am livid.  It should have been me.  It makes no sense to me that an 8-year-old little girl with a family who has followed God so closely would be allowed to go through the most terrifying ordeal I have ever been able to fathom.  Sometimes I feel like God is a fool for letting that happen.  I know that it is not true, but that is how it feels.  I get so angry.  And I know I am the fool, and I know that I don't understand what God is doing, but I want so desperately for it to all be over.  I know that there is something bigger going on.  But my heart is broken, and it is not going to mend for a long, long time.

New Orleans was quite nice.  We worked hard and we had a lot of fun.  I got to talk to Mikayla on the phone and on Skype, which was hard, and good, and provoked a meltdown that I had sworn I would avoid.  But it was good.  I got my mask for prom, too.  It's really pretty.  We got back to the church at 1:30 this morning and we were home by 2.  So I am quite sleepy.  There are lots of pictures, and they will all most likely be on Facebook within the week, so I will be sure to post a link to the albums.

Today I am starting my second hat knitting project.  I am praying that I don't screw it up and ruin it.  You can pray that too, if you want.

Does anyone have a webcam sitting around that they feel like selling to me?  I am going to go look for a cheap one so I can use it to Skype Mikayla, but if someone has one they don't want, let me know.

I need a nap.


The stars are alive, they dance to the music of the deepest emotion...

Raise your hand if you google the titles of these blogs to see what song they are from.
If I were you, I would google them, because I think that stuff is interesting.  I don't google them though, because I pick them, and that would just be silly.
I started Mikayla's hat again.  This time I hope it works.  I will be really sad if it doesn't.
I wish I didn't have to do school anymore.  I am ready to be done with homework forever.  Laaaaaammmmme.
I have a trig test tomorrow.  I hope I actually understand what I am doing.  I think I do.  Hopefully.
Wow.  I apparently have nothing to say that has any substance.  Maybe I am just in emotional overload.  I bet that's why.
I wanted to go to the Harms today but I had too much to do, so I couldn't.  That makes me sad.  I really wishI could have.  *sigh*
I need to go and get some sleep before I explode or something.


If it's not too late for coffee, I'll be at your place in ten...

I want to get The Fray's CDs.  I really, really like them.  But I have no money for CDs at this particular moment.  Maybe after New Orleans and prom I will get them.

I have too much to do this week.  I am pretty stressed out.  This is the downside to not having Spring Break open to work on stuff.  Grrrrr.  Angst.

I have sneezed four times today.  I am praying that I am not sick.  I think if I am sick I will cry.

I should probably schedule my hair appointment for prom this week.  I am worried that they will be all booked at TSPA because Ames has their prom on the same day as ours.  I also need to order my gloves.

I miss my friends.

I am sleepy.



When we dance, I'll whisper nothing in your ear...

Oh snap.

This is a fast blog post. Because I am busy today. Sort of. Mostly school. But I do have to go clean. And such. Then I am right back to working on ASL stuff. I have to remember to get trig done too.

I want more games for my iPod. Any suggestions?

I am tired. I wish I could take a nap.

I fixed a couple of broken links on the playlist again. I forget to do that sometimes, but lately I have been good about it. So yep. Hope that pleases everyone.

I think I am going to go find a snack and then leave. I need to go clean. I wish my iPod wasn't dead.



I found God on the corner of first and Amistad, where the west was all but won, all alone smoking his last cigarette...

Today has been a long day.  Not really in a bad way or a good way.  It just has been.
I am better lately, in case you were wondering.  If you weren't wondering, then you know anyway.  I guess I just assume that since you are interested enough to actually read this blog, that you are interested in whether or not I am doing okay.  But that may or may not be true.  I don't really have any way of knowing.  I don't even know who reads this anymore.
I am going to write more songs.  I am too full of stuff not to.
I went to lunch with Summer today.  It was really nice.  We had a really good talk.
Today I was supposed to meet some other people from my ASL class in Ames to study.  I went there.  I was very late.  They were gone.  I am unsure of how to feel about that.  I guess it is my fault because I was so late.
I wish I could turn invisible.
Tomorrow is Thursday.  That is good.  It means that I have a whole weekend to do my DMACC homework.  Today I have to do an annotation thing for Comp and some reading and journaling for ASL.
These contacts are crap.  I can't even see anything half the time.  But my glasses aren't up to date, and so the perscription isn't good enough, and they're all scratched.  I end up squinting either way.  It is making me more irritated than I already am.  Am I irritated?  I think so.  At whom?  No one, I don't think.  Just at life.  At myself.  At whatever happens to be in the line of fire.
I am glad that music understands how people feel.