What a beautiful smile, can I stay for a while...

I should probably blog before I leave for the retreat. Heh.

So! Tomorrow morning at 6 the youth group will leave for Wisconsin! I'm very excited, and almost completely packed. However, I need to get some laundry out of the dryer so that I can finish up. Then I'll be basically done.

Mom and the other kids are going to the pool this afternoon. I think I'm going to stay home, because I have to go and try to buy cigarettes again today and this way it will be less complicated. After that, I'm going shopping with Em and Mrs. H. That will be fun.

Apparently, something exciting happened at Andrew's game the other day. I want to know what it was. And Mom won't tell me. So I just asked him in email format! Now, he just needs to check it and reply and then my curiosity will be appeased. I wonder if I used the word 'appeased' correctly.

There are some really, really, really bizarre stories in the news.

Laundry's done. I'm pretty sure all I need now is a flashlight. Dad's in charge of getting those, because I'm pretty sure that all the ones in the house are broken.

My fingernails are pink, silvery green, and purple striped.

I should go be productive now.



We're coming to break the silence...

If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as it's own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember the words I spoke to you: No servant is greater than his master. If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teachings, they will obey yours also.

John 15:18-20

Woot. I just typed that from memory. I think it's right even. Score! Tonight I have to recite that for small group. I think I can do it. It's easier to type than to say though.

I forgot about guitar lesson this morning and didn't show up. I feel bad. But not a lot, because they've not been there twice. Pam (little Ben's mom) was totally fine with it, too. She was just like, eh, it's summer, that happens. So really, I don't feel bad anymore.

I'm making some amazing oatmeal-chocolate-chip cookies for small group. Yum. The dough is fantastic. I can't keep eating it though. Then there will be nothing to bake.

Today I bought two bags of candy. One of them I will eat over the course of the next three days. The other one I will bring with me to the youth trip. That trip is going to be a blast. I am really excited. I can't wait!

Cookies need to come out of the oven. BRB.

Back. They look awesome.

*sniffs hair* I smell good. Do all girls sniff their hair after they've washed it and it's dried?

Stellar Kart is on. I like Stellar Kart. They're a silly punk rock band. I dance sillily to them. I think sillily is totally made up. That's pretty amazing.

I should go finish the cookies now.

Mara Tenille


I'm falling out of style with the current way things are, the things that make conforming hard...

Well, I'm still stupid, but I'm a happier and less annoying stupid person. I think at least. I hope I'm not still being annoying. I mean, I'm always sort of annoying, but that's just sort of normal for people in general. I hope I'm not excessively annoying.

I really should get to sleep soon because church is tomorrow. I did get 12ish hours of sleep last night, which was quite nice, so I'll probably be fine.

The show went well. We had some equipment issues so we ended up going literally unplugged (except Andrew because of that whole issue of basses not being loud on their own), but it was kind of cool and fun. We made a total of $45.45 and each ended up with $18, except Ben, who got the odd $1.45 just for showing up. He tried to save our lives by getting a microphone top stand clippy thing, but it didn't work. He still rocks for trying though. And just because he's a cool guy. Andrew and Josh rock too. So does Josh's brother Nate. He's my favorite Moklestad. Hehe.

I had a latte with hazelnut and Irish creme (cream? Huh...) and it was absolutely amazing. I've never tried that before, but since it was free, I decided to add stuff to the latte. It was so good. I loved it. Yum. I also ate a bagel and cream cheese. That was yummy too. Cafe Diem is the best ever.

Earlier today was Jessica's 16th birthday party. We went roller skating at this old sk00l skating rink in Ogden. It was lots of fun. I hadn't gone roller skating in years. I got okay at it. I still fell lots, but I'm just sort of a fall-y person. I wonder why that is. I sort of do tend to fall more than anyone else. Huh. Weird. Oh well. *shrug*

Tomorrow is church and Leo's family birthday party and Overflow. In Sunday school we're having a hott par-tay/ brunch thing. For Patrick. Because he's been asking when we can have a party forever now. It will be fun. There will be lots of food.

Okay. I'm running out of things to blog about. Goodnight people!

Mara Tenille


Love is indestructible, so take a hold...

The last few days have brought on an odd swell of various emotions that I didn't realize one person could experience all at the same time. Since this is, after all, my blog, I'm going to write about them all. Or at least some of them.

God is amazing. I mean, it's easy to know that in my head, but to see it is just... I can't even begin to describe it. It's insane to see that all the seemingly big things ("God, the junior high girls are idiots. Help me not to ring their necks") and small things ("God, I can't find my shoes, and I have less than thirty seconds to get out the door") I ask are getting answered left and right. My faith has seemed to grow insane amounts the last few weeks. It's so hard sometimes to trust that things will be alright, but it's astounding what happens when I do. I've learned that God is really good at finding stuff and fixing stuff and putting me in my place and still not letting it get to my head. Haha. He's just... I don't even know. It's just incredible. I can't even come close to understanding. God is amazing, to say the least.

However, despite all the things I ask for and then get, there are probably just as many things I beg for that God doesn't say anything to. I hate waiting. And he makes me do it all the time. It's a good thing he loves me because it's really hard to handle not knowing the answer to everything. It's hard when God says "No, I'm not going to do it for you." Work is hard. I would say something deep and profound, but that's really all I've got. Work is just really hard. Sure, it's probably good for me, but it hurts sometimes and it's difficult and it wears me out.

Junior high girls drive me up a freaking wall. Oh my word. I want to yell at them. But I won't. They haven't made me mad enough yet *laugh* I think I can deal with them. Not for much longer, but I can hold out another night. Besides, I'm not forced to be in there. It's of my own volition. I'm trying reallyreallyreally hard to love them. It's hard. WORK IS HARD *angst*

It irritates me when I rely on people to do things and they don't do them. I don't want to hound them, but I don't want whatever it needs done to not be done. Maybe I'm just bad at working with people. I mean, I know I am, but maybe I'm worse than I thought. I like people. I like being with people. I'm very social. But I don't work well with them. So when I need things from people it freaks me out.

In addition to freaking out when people don't do what I need them to do, I freak out when I don't do what other people need me to do. I have been forgetful to an abnormal degree lately, and I hate it. I never forget stuff like calling people back or when I have to be where, and I've been horrible lately. It's stupid and I want to go back to normal.

My band has a show on Saturday, and I'm excited. Hopefully I can just relax and have some fun with this one. I think it'll be good.

I need to go sleep so that I'm (hopefully) less stupid tomorrow.



You lose control when you hold too tight...

Mom thinks that Control Freak by Copeland is really weird. I think that she's right, but it's also one of the coolest songs ever. I love it. Mae is only slightly less awesome than Copeland. Copeland is probably my favorite ever.

SAM IS GONE!!! One of my two favorite foreigners. He's flying back to Turkmenistan (spell check saved my life on that one) tomorrow morning. I will miss him. Hopefully he ends up going to Iowa State next year. That would be good. He's a pretty hilarious foreign kid, and it would be sad if I never got to laugh at him ever again in my entire life.

VBS was not so bad again, however, I can feel myself getting tired of the insane junior highers. Two more days. And really, any interaction with them beyond just worship is of my own volition, so I can always just go somewhere else. However, I'm going to try and get to know them a little bit, so that I can stop being as annoyed. That's easier said than done though.

Today I:
  • Found a giant screw
  • Found more rocks than Andrew
  • Got an Overflow t-shirt before anyone else (they flipping rock)
  • Practiced for the show Saturday
  • Said goodbye to Sam
  • Wore my cool Indian scarf
  • Blew dandelions
  • Made wishes on the same dandelions
  • Climbed up to the rafters above the stage at church
There was most likely more noteworthy happenings, but I'm tired and don't remember them at the moment.


Mara Tenille Dickens

Cover yourself in construction paper hearts...

Yesterday happened, and when it did I gave a guitar lesson, went to Andrew's baseball game/games (the first one was pretty awful, but the second one was good. If only he had pitched the first game... *laugh*). Then had VBS and stuff. VBS was not so bad. The sit was fine. Apparently the sound guy was mad at us for switching mics so often, which we didn't really have much choice in. It's lame enough that we don't have lapels. But whatever.

I need to gooooo sooooooon. So I can practice for the show Saturday. The band has a show Saturday, did everyone know that? Now you do. I think it will turn out pretty good.

I need to go soon and I am wearing no makeup. Oh. Dear.



Amazing grace, how sweet the sound...

I adore God.

That's all.



It was just like the sun, but more like the moon...

I didn't wear the cool Indian scarf. But I will on Wednesday. Elise and I are going to wear them and be super duper flowy scarf cape twins.

Youth group was nice. It was good to have Gabe back. I attempted to play Volleyball/keep the ball in the air as long as possible, but I am just really, really awful at it, so I sort of gave up. I still tried though. Volleyballs just aren't my friends.

Tomorrow I'm giving little Ben his guitar lesson, going to Andrew's baseball game (he's supposed to be pitching. I haven't seen him pitch yet this season), practicing/co-leading jr. high VBS worship, doing the skit for VBS, annnnnd I think that's it. I hope that's it at least, because I can't remember anything else. Why do I keep forgetting things? *angst*

Alright. I really need to get to sleep.


I could barely make out the sound, it was my personal symphony...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhokayokayokayokayokay... where the heck is my music? I'm going to die. Ohdearohdearohdear. Okay. Calm. Yes. Alright. Okay. It's somewhere.

Okay I found it, we're good.

Church is soon. Yep.

I am wearing cool bracelets that I got from Sierra when she went to India. Today I have the green ones on. I also have pink ones and purple ones. They rock.

Savior by Skillet is on. I love this song.

Cool Indian scarf: to wear or not to wear?

I am like a little girl playing dress up on Sunday mornings. *laugh*



Move our hearts to hear a single beat...

I just finished reading Thr3e by Ted Dekker. It was weird. I think I liked it though. But yeah, it was odd. I can't really say anything else because I don't want to spoil it for anyone that would randomly decide to read this, or for the two or three people that actually do read it in case they haven't read the book. I think that sentence made sense, but I'm not sure.

I'm bored sort of. I need to do some things though. Ugh. Stupid skit. Stupid song. Stupid biology.



I could not pretend to know the difference between the storms you send and those I find...

Nichole Nordeman is my hero.

"Even fields of flowers
Dressing in their best because of You
Knowing they are blessed to be in bloom.
But what about November
When the air is cold and wet winds blow
Do they understand why they can't grow?"

It seems I am sort of doing lots of hard things lately. I don't really know. Life is just sort of stressful. I have no money and lots of things need to be paid for. I keep forgetting about things, like, places I'm supposed to be and phone calls I need to make, which is totally not like me. I keep doing things I don't want to do, and acting ways I don't want to act, and just in general not being who I want to be. I need to memorize the scripts for VBS, and at the same time be memorizing the scripture for small group, on top of the scripture I'm trying to memorize just because. I'm losing stuff and getting confused and being absentminded. I keep doing things I don't want to do, and acting ways I don't want to act, and just in general not being who I want to be. It doesn't make sense. I don't understand what's going wrong. Maybe I'm just tired and stressed. Maybe I'm just a normal teenager. Maybe I'm losing my mind. *sigh*

Today was sucky and fantastic all rolled up into one. I forgot about skit practice, and thus didn't show up. Left my phone on vibrate for no reason other than I felt like it, left it on the table, and missed both calls from Jeremy asking if I was coming. Babysat Carter and Owen. Lost my flip-flops and spent a good ten minutes looking for them. It might not have been that long, but it felt long. The party bowl was tonight, and that was fun. I was forced against my will to play ping-pong. I suck at ping-pong. But I did it anyway. Not without griping and whining, which cancels out any brownie points I earned for doing it in the first place. Played basketball sort of. I couldn't see the hoop. That was annoying. But I still had fun. Yeah. It was an odd day. Or maybe I'm just moody.

I wish I was who I want to be. I hate wishing that. But I always do. It's just hard when you try so hard, and then you see yourself, and you're not even close. I don't want people to sit and make it easy for me, I just want to do life the right way. And it's so hard. Life is hard. And life is beautiful. But life is brutal.

And then there are those moments when you just feel God standing next to you whispering, you can do this. You're going to be fine. Don't say you can't when I promise you, you can. You can. And then you have to try, because the guy who created you and allowed you to live despite all your scumbagishness is egging you on *laugh* No, it's more beautiful than that. God is what makes life beautiful. God is beauty. And he has this way of poking and prodding me out of my comfort zone and making me do stuff and making me believe that I can do it. Because I can, can't I? I believe what he says. I believe God when he tells me I can do it. He says I can. So I can, can't I? Yes. Sure I can. He says I can. I can.

Gosh, I suck today. *laugh*


PS) If this post makes no sense, I... well, I was going to say I'm sorry, but I just decided I'm not going to care. So suck it up, and if you care, don't read. *grin*


When I hurt, when I bleed, you're holding me...

Andrew, are you reading this? You should comment. That would be pretty awesome.

Today I went to Ekklesia, the ladies' bible study, to babysit. Made some dollars off of that. Hung out with Wendy. Sat with my feet in the pool for a little bit before we left, which, annoyingly enough, was just as Rietgrafs got there. Went home. Did some stuff. Went to the Nevada pool with Andrew, Kacy, Erick, Lenna, Adam, Peter, Mikayla, and Mrs. R, because there was this party somethingorother that the Rietgrafs invited us to. That was awesome. I don't think I've ever had that much fun spitting water at people. Ate a Micky D's pie and some fries. Came home. Talked to Mom. Got online. Yep. Pretty awesome stuff, that is.

Tomorrow I am babysitting Carter and Owen. That will be cool. I like them. They're my favorites.

My eyes hurt from the chlorine in that water. That makes me happy, oddly enough.

I still think that light was pretty. [/cryptic]

Everyone that reads this, which is like, not many people, should pray that I miraculously make a lot of money and don't have to take any out of savings. Seriously. I have so little money right now that it's stressing me out, and I need to pay for the youth trip and for my share of the family pool pass, and I don't know where that money is going to come from at this point. I should have just waited to get that mic. Anyway, yes, pray that I make lots of money soon.

Life is good even though it's got little annoying parts. I can overlook those. Besides, it's like Switchfoot says. The shadow proves the sunshine.

Mara the Butterfly


Bless the day this restoration is complete...

I have a whole two minutes to blog before I should leave. I think I'll probably exceed that. Heh.

I ate a yummy burger for dinner. I like meat.

Tonight I'm leading worship for Ichthus. For real this time. It'll be good, hopefully.

Acanthus is a cool word.

I wish I liked my band's name. I don't really though. Not that I can complain, because if I really wanted to call it something different I shouldn't have caved to The Final Pardon. And it's not really that big of a deal. So I'll just roll with it. Yep.

I should get going.



The sound of your love is what you're hearing...

I cannot find the chords I want, and that makes me sad. If anyone knows the chords for Gratitude by Nichole Nordeman, I would appreciate that. If you don't have them, don't look, because you won't find them.

Today I babysat Clive (who is known by all the normal people and his birth certificate as Lewis, Carter and Owen's baby brother), swan at the pool with my friends, went to bible study, painted VBS backdrops, and went to Mary's house to sit in the hott tub with some of the girls. It was a fun day. I'm tired now though.

When we were driving to Mary's house there were seriously like, thousands of fireflies. They made the world look all sparkly. I love fireflies.

I think I'm going to copy and paste this. Sorry. I lose again.

Tomorrow issssssss just skit practice I think. Oh wait, no, I babysit too. Yeah. I think that's all though.

I made cookies today, but bible study ate them all. They were some pretty amazing cookies.

Tomorrow is supposed to be 88 degrees. That's awesome.

Okay, I should go sleep now. Goodnight.



If you would be my punk rock princess I would be your garage band king...

The tobacco buying was pretty awesome. I didn't get any, which is good, because that means the cashiers are doing their jobs. Emily bought some Mike's Hard Lemonade though, which was hilarious. The detective lady we were working with said that all the booze goes to the detectives that work on that stuff. That was funny, too, for some reason. We had a good time, and we have lots of funny inside jokes and stories now.

Matt was talking about the song Punk Rock Princess, and I knew it was a song, but couldn't remember it, so I'm listening to it now on Rhapsody. I think Rhapsody is legal. Anyway, this song is silly but sort of cute.

I went to Emily and Andy's house after our awesome undercoverness and then skit practice to hang out with some friends. We played badminton, ate cereal and s'mores over the stove, and watched Pirates of the Carribbean 2, and stuff. It was awesome.

Beside Nothing rocks.

Mara the butterfly

Your love is a fast song...

Today I went to the freshman boys' game. They lost 0-6. They're going to win their second game though. *nod*

Today is the superduper undercover tobacco investigation.

Yeah. That's all. Life is boring, I guess.



I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from?

So, that line is actually by the bible, and not by Casting Crowns, but since it's a song either way I decided it counts.

Today I went to the pool and then to a freshman softball game. The Ballard Balldroppers lost miserably. Not a moment of pride in my school, but it was still fun to watch. I mean, the other team was just good, but our team still didn't seem to play very well. Maybe it's because they're freshmen. *shrug*

Josh has a rash from a tick bite and while that's slightly frightening, it's still funny, sort of.

It so does not feel like a quarter to 11. I should probably go to bed soon.

Tomorrow I'm going to play airsoft at Ben's house. Hopefully that'll be fun. He's got lots of people coming. Andrew's hitching a ride with us. I tried to get Andy to come and he didn't want to. Loser.

That's about it. Goodnight.



Three sleepless nights, this isn't how it's supposed to be...

Today I have to give a guitar lesson (I need to start getting ready. I need to leave in a little more than half an hour), and then we're going to Andrew's baseball game, assuming it doesn't get rained out again. Then I'm pretty sure we're not doing anything the rest of the day, other than maybe some schooly things, but I'm not sure. The biology stuff isn't in, so who knows.

Yesterday was church and Overflow and Jermaleah's wedding shower. It was adorable. Probably the cutest shower I've ever been to. I don't like showers with games, because I think they're silly and sort of pointless, so this one was nice. All the peoples got to go up to the microphone and give Jeremy and Aleah their blessing and whatnot, and it was very sweet, and Aleah cried lots, and Jeremy cried, and Mrs. Harmsen cried, and Mr. Harmsen cried, and Mr and Mrs Aleah's Parents cried, and I think Andy cried, and I'm not sure if Emily cried or not, but she probably did. Wedding showers are cry-y, I guess.

I'm sleepy because I just woke up. *yawn*

My fingernails are gold sparkly stuff. I don't think I like it.

Yesterday at Overflow we played a big game in teams because the freshmen moved up (I'm a junior! That sort of makes me happy). We had to film a movie that started with the line "My momma always told me..." Our team went to this wooden bridge in Huxley and filmed our movie about the scary bridge dweller who killed off most of us because we hadn't invited him to Overflow. Then, two of the girls invited him and then he got saved and didn't kill people anymore. Ricky was the bridge dweller, and he put on this weird accent, and it was hilarious, and I died first, and then when they did the shot where we're dead at the bottom of the bridge I moved because they didn't warn me and I didn't know they were shooting us yet. Em got on my case *laugh* "MARAE. YOU CAN'T MOVE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD. NOW IT'S RUINED." But we still looked pretty dead. Other than the moving and giggling. Despite the moving deadness, our movie still won, and was really stupid and hilarious. Sophie's team did one about the ninjas who say "ni!" and that was pretty funny, but it was hard to hear what they were saying.

Okay, Mom needs the computer. Bye all.



I shall ever grow up, make-believe is much to fun...

I'd be okay if I never had to grow up, I think. I like being small and childish sometimes, which isn't always a good thing, but it can be. It's nice to not have to worry about the complications of relationships and time and life in general, and to not care, and to just sort of let it all go. Life gets so stressful sometimes, for whatever reasons, and sometimes not for any reason at all. Why can't people ever seem to let God be in control and not freak out over stuff? We get all worked up over silly things that are really completely worthless in the long run, and all the time God's probably just standing there going ' For the last time, I've got this one'.

I found my orange pencil. The only mechanical pencil I like. It once but lost, but now is found. It's never been blind though. Because it's a pencil, and pencils can't see. Just in case you didn't know that or something.

Today I'm going to a baby shower for Lewis, Carter and Owen's baby brother. I heart him. He's a cutie. I call him Clive.

What should I wear? Such are the concerns of a girl.

Mara, the butterfly


Because everyone else says it so much better than I can.

[I reserve the right to do any of these as often as I want. It's my new thing. Yeah. Actually, I just feel like it.]

We were walking there, I had tangles in my hair
But you made me feel so pretty

So when you say forever
Can't you see
You've already captured me

AMAZING how life turns out the way that it does

I am
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things
you swore you saw yourself


Your love is a fast song
And I'm dancing because I'm loved again
My heart is in motion for the rhythm inside you
Your love is a slow song
It's RESOUNDING through my world again
My heart is in motion for the song inside of you

please come to your window
been throwing rocks all night

All that you thought you'd never have
You hold in your hands
All that you thought you'd never love
Is right here above you
It's cruel

I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself...

Today was fine. It was reallyreallyreally good at times, and really fun, and stuff, but it reallyreallyreally sucked at times, and was really lame. That averages out to be fine. I make sense.

Today was Sam and Tonia's going away party. They're the two foreign exchange students who go to youth group and stuff. Anyway, it was a fun party, but there wasn't a whole lot of talk of them going away, I think because it just hasn't sunk/sunken/sinked (hehe) in that they're really leaving. At least, not for me. I'll probably cry when they leave. Actually, I probably won't, because I never cry really. I wish I cried more. *sigh*

I'm sort of moody and annoying. Sorry. I can't really help it much. Not that that's going to stop me from blogging about it, because this is, after all, my blog, and you have to listen to me, and you're free to stop reading at any point in time. Just know that I'm tired and sort of crabby, although also high on happy fumes of partyness, so I'm weird.

Tomorrow is going to be warmish. 77. That's pretty warm. We're supposed to have isolated thunderstorms though. Those are fun. But not when you want to lay outside in the grass.

This place is so lovely
It kind of makes me very happy

I like Eisley.

Mara Tenille, who is a butterfly.