I'll bury my face, because my disgrace will leave me terrified...

I am so tired of being misunderstood.  I'm tired of people thinking they know what's going on.  I'm tired of being treated one way and talked about another.  I'm tired of hearing about the things people say.  I'm tired of people saying things they don't mean.  I'm tired of feeling like people don't care, and I'm tired of the way that others not caring makes caring for them well so hard.  I'm tired of losing friends to change and to time.  I'm tired of screwing up perfectly good relationships because I don't know how to be a good friend.  I'm tired of wanting to love people and not knowing how.  I'm tired of wanting to be loved and not knowing how to get it.  I'm tired of being different.  I'm tired of feeling like people have expectations that I'm a certain kind of person, and I'm tired of not meeting them.  I'm tired of how everyone is different than me.  I'm tired of not feeling like I fit in anywhere, and I'm tired of watching everyone else fit it.  I'm tired of how I can't even please myself, much less anyone else.

Sometimes I just wish I were like everyone else.  Inconspicuous.  Invisible.


  1. Oh Mara,
    I know your fatigue. I do, really...
    I could fill this space with all kinds of affirmations of what a wonderful person I think you are, but I'm guessing that wouldn't mean much at this point. So, let me tell you that you are not alone in your feelings. That Christ was misunderstood by pretty much everyone he hung out with and, like him, sometimes we simply have to let those misunderstandings sit there for the Holy Spirit to work out in the other person's life. That people are often, sometimes repeatedly, ugly and sinful toward each other. That being a good friend is actually a heart issue and not necessarily all behavioral. Which means screwing up is definitely going to happen and gives us the opportunity to lean on Him as we work to right our wrong.
    I could go on and on. Bottom line is, this life often does suck. It makes me want to run away to Missouri and grow okra. That's my way of saying relationships are hard, hard, hard and sometimes they just wear me out. But, (and you know what's coming) this world is not home and there is one place and One set of arms that will never disappoint.
    Oh Mara,
    I'm sorry you're hurting.
    Free in Him,
    Summer Lee

  2. There are pages bubbling at my fingertips, but for now:

    Luke 12:48
    but the one who did not know it, and committed deeds worthy of a flogging, will receive but few From everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more.

    God's given you a lot.