This world is hard
And I wish it would be
Softer, softer, softer
Softer to me
I am disappointed and hurt. And I'm not going to tell you why. Sorry to do that whole leave-everybody-hanging-with-nothing-to-go-on thing. I am going to go ahead and pretend for a while that since this is my blog I am entitled to be selfish when I write in it. So, I am telling you how I feel, without telling you why. I hope you can live with that and not die from gossipyness or curiosity or whatever. If you are genuinely concerned, then thank you, it means a lot, and everything really is alright and it's going to be okay. The world isn't ending or anything.
Sometimes it feels like I have spent all these years trying so hard to be lovable and to be a person who is good enough to have friends that want to be around me, that want to be there for me and that want to be trustworthy and reliable and honest. And what was the point? I am still where I was five or six years ago when I moved here. I have not found the sort of friends in my peers that I had hoped to find. The other people my age haven't clung to me the way I cling to them. They don't need me the way I need them. Maybe my expectations are unreasonable, or maybe I am just not trying hard enough. I mean, I have lots of good friends, but it doesn't seem like they are invested in me the way I invest in them. I am so intentional about being friends with them and committing myself to them and trying to grow close to them, and it is looking a lot like that is just foolishness to expect that same thing in return. I am just terrible at being friends with people anyway, no matter how hard I try to be the sort of person who people will want to be friends with. I am still just Mara, who is way too intense and who says insensitive things without thinking about it and who tells it like it is a little too often and who doesn't understand the giggling and flitting around thing that girls are supposed to do and who doesn't like doing anything social and who is out of touch with the emotions of the people around her, etc, etc, etc. Maybe people just don't see past that and into the person who desperately needs to be needed. Maybe that is just all that is there. Or maybe they just all have their own friends, and do they're just not looking for new ones. In a way, I've given up. High school is over, and so I am done investing so much in relationships that are barely there to begin with. I love all my friends very dearly. They are wonderful people. But there are other people out there, and I have other people who are investing in me the way I tried (and failed) to invest in my peers, and who either haven't caught on to my issues or just don't care that much about them. Granted, those people are all adults. But if that is who I have, then that is just how it is. And I want to give to people who are giving back, too. I hope this doesn't sound terrible and make people think I am horrifically cynical or that I've been treated like crap for six years, because that isn't the truth. Well, actually I am pretty cynical, but I think I try to counteract that with logic and reason and whatnot.
My logic in regards to the above paragraph: I will probably not feel so much like this in a few days, and tomorrow I will probably feel like a fool for saying all this on my blog, so don't be too worried or anything.
Tomorrow will be a good day, I think.
We got a sweet game today. It's called Rush Hour, but it's the Safari edition, so instead of cars you have little animals. It is pretty awesome. Me and Patrick and Mattjones played it at youth group tonight.
My brain has not been functioning well at all the past several days. Just so everyone knows. I hope I am not getting sick or anything. If I have said anything stupid or forgotten anything important (or not important too, I guess) or done anything that didn't make sense, I am not surprised, and I'm very sorry if I messed anything up. I am just going insane or something.
I need to try and sleep now. And write letters, because I am behind with that.