Sometimes I blog about nothing. Sometimes I blog about insignificant things. And sometimes, if you're lucky, I blog about things that matter to me. Congratulations. It's your lucky day.
So. Tonight, as I listen to my current favorite UnderOath song (featuring the Copeland guy... it just doesn't get much better than that) and wishing I had a hot cappuccino and a scone (if I had the option, I would sit at Cafe Diem with a laptop at all hours of the day), I'm pondering the sorts of things that one might usually ponder when away from home while listening to awesome music and drinking coffee. (I'm not really drinking coffee, but I wish I was. That has to count for something, right?) I had hoped to sign on to Windows Live and be greeted by a couple different names all green and lit up and ready to talk, and I wasn't. I had also hoped that it wouldn't be so late as it ended up being when I signed on, but due to the recent death of my watch (it died young. Hopefully it just needs a battery, but we'll see.) and the fact that I'm eagerly trying to complete my recent endeavor of knitting a burgundy beret, it wasn't until 10:15 that I got online. So what did I do? I pulled up GMail to start an email to my blog.
It's funny how sometimes people say things or do things that aren't what you want them to do. Like, when someone says something and it's not exactly what you wanted to hear, or when someone doesn't say something you wish they'd said, or when someone does something without realizing that you're going to see things about it that they might not have thought about. Like, if your friend were to tell you she likes this guy, and it turns out to be the guy you've secretly been madly in love with since birth, except less ridiculous sounding. The feeling is what I'm trying to get at. Like, she didn't do anything wrong by liking the guy, and she has every right to do that, but it still feels weird. Or like when you really want someone to say they missed you when you've been gone for a long time (or even for a short time), and they don't really say anything, or they don't say it the way you would have liked them to. Or like when you give someone a gift and you're really excited about it, and they end up being less enthusiastic than you had imagined. It's such an odd feeling. It's a painful feeling, but it feels like it shouldn't be painful, so you try to pretend it isn't, and it just throbs. It's humiliating almost, and it makes you want to go crawl into a hole or something. You feel foolish. Foolish for expecting things out of people that didn't end up happening or that were unreasonable or that weren't necessary, or for the fact that you're feelings are hurt and it's not anyone's fault. Sometimes that happens, where you get hurt and no one is really to blame. That's always sort of hard for me, because it's easier to blame someone else and then just forgive them and be done with it, but if it's no one's fault (not even my own) that means that there's something I'm going to have to cope with, and that there are feelings I'm going to have to identify with, and that's hard. So what do you do when someone does something, or doesn't do something, and it hurts? What if it isn't their fault? What if it's not really something they could have helped, or they just didn't know better? It makes everything so much more complicated.
I miss my friends. I can't wait to come home. Five days is a lot more than it sounds like.
Sincerely,
Mara Tenille
The Butterfly Child
I hate that feeling--And I hate it when I know that I was the one who did, or didn't do something, and hurt someone. That, honestly, is worse to me--because I don't mind getting hurt myself--I can take it, right? But when I hurt someone else, however accidentally, I feel dreadful.
ReplyDeleteOne thing about those situations though, is something I learned this year--that sometimes, things can't be fixed, and all that can be done is to sit, and wait, and pray about it. I hate doing that, but I think it's all that can be done, at times.
I also hate the coping mechanism that kills the expectations to protect itself. *sigh*
If you can help it, don't feel foolish, though. That's far more foolish than developing the expectations.
Just remember: people that love you need to know sometimes. Not only that - they WANT to know. It helps us to know how to take care of you.
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting to hear which song comes out of your room at the end of the day or when you've come home from somewhere or after we've had a long conversation.
I typed some Mom-things, but decided to erase them so that I don't embarrass you. Suffice it to say, I understand completely why old people and little kids adore you.
Sorry if that embarrasses you. Trust me. It's less embarrassing than what I had typed.
I know what you mean. :(
ReplyDeleteI like what Hans and your mom said as well.
Stumbled across your blog...and though this is a year old, it really is how I've been feeling recently. Just thought to let you know that you've helped someone, inadvertently, and thanks, for existing.
ReplyDelete