I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale...

Sorry for the Taylor Swift.  It was stuck in my head.

 

I am sleepy from my drugs.

 

Had my last two wisdom teeth out today.  It was not as terrible as I expected, which was nice.  I have been hungry sort of all day though, and I'm not sure if that is just because I haven't really eaten very much at once or the drugs or what.  Anyway, no throwing up this time, which was good.  I have been popping my pain killers regularly (well, twice now) but it hasn't really hurt much so far.  I am just ready for my face to not be numb anymore.  It's not a very big spot that is numb still, but it is annoying, and I feel like I keep chewing on my lip accidentally.

 

Andrew came over today to keep me company.  We watched the first 2 X-Men movies.  I love those.  He also brought me a surprise.  While Rick and Rich and Brandon were in New Orleans, Andrew had them look to see if they could get another mask like the one I had for prom, and they did!  I was so excited.  I was sort of groggy, so I hope Andrew didn't think I wasn't really happy.  That was so sweet of him, and I am so excited to finally (sort of) have my mask back.

 

Tomorrow is Manda and Chad's garage sale.  If I am not still on drugs I want to go to it, but obviously if I'm still popping Darvocet I will not be driving anywhere.  So, hopefully that will work out.  I hope they sell lots of stuff.

 

I had some delicious food today.  I ate lots of applesauce and Jell-O and pudding.  I ate some normal food, too, but not a lot because my face was stil numb enough that chewing took lots of concentration.

 

I am getting closer to picking a laptop.  I am excited about that.

 

Oh yes!  My graduation party was lovely.  I think everyone had lots of fun.  I was pretty tuckered out from talking to all those people, but it was still good.  I am not much of a small talk person.  Talking about worthless things is a lot of work for me.  But all in all, everything went really well.  And the food was delicious.  And the decorations were cute.  And I had a good time.

 

Well, now I am going to play some Klondike with my iPod and then go to sleep.  Love you all!

 

Sincerely,

Mara Tenille

I'm somewhere in between what is real and just a dream...

Yesterday was my last day of high school classes.  Ever.  In my entire life.  High school is over.  Childhood is over.  Now I have to be a grown-up.  *sigh*  That makes me happy and sad at the same time.

 

Today was the Senior Banquet.  It was pretty boring, but still nice to get to be with my friends and eat free food.  Yummy sandwhiches.  It was a pretty good time.

 

Last night my family and Andy, Andrew, and Josh went to the Ledges for a fun little hike.  It was lots of fun.  We were playing in the water that goes over the road in one spot, and some cars drove through really fast and soaked us.  Then I was cold, but it was still lots of fun.  I like hiking a lot.

 

Tomorrow night I am going to the Harms' for dinner and to watch Lost with Emily.  She is catching up so she can watch the season that just wrapped up.  I have only seen the first and second seasons, so I am probably more annoying than anything, because I just ask questions about what is happening to fill myself in.  Someday I will actually watch all of it, but for now, I am satisfied with having other people tell me what is going on.  I am not one of those "NO YOU CAN'T TELL ME ANYTHING UNTIL I HAVE SEEN IT OH EM GEE" people, which is kind of nice.

 

Friday is my graduation party.  Ohmyword.  I am really excited, but it is going to be a lot of work.  I hope I didn't pick out too many pink decorations.  I like pink.  I really do.  But I don't like how tacky pink can become.  So I really hope my party isn't tacky.  Maybe I should have incorporated more orange and green.  Oh well.

 

Sincerely,

Mara Tenille

Life, could you be a little softer to me? Life, could you be more gentle to me?

This world is hard
It's cruel
And I wish it would be
Softer, softer, softer
Softer to me

I am disappointed and hurt. And I'm not going to tell you why. Sorry to do that whole leave-everybody-hanging-with-nothing-to-go-on thing. I am going to go ahead and pretend for a while that since this is my blog I am entitled to be selfish when I write in it. So, I am telling you how I feel, without telling you why. I hope you can live with that and not die from gossipyness or curiosity or whatever. If you are genuinely concerned, then thank you, it means a lot, and everything really is alright and it's going to be okay. The world isn't ending or anything.

Sometimes it feels like I have spent all these years trying so hard to be lovable and to be a person who is good enough to have friends that want to be around me, that want to be there for me and that want to be trustworthy and reliable and honest. And what was the point? I am still where I was five or six years ago when I moved here. I have not found the sort of friends in my peers that I had hoped to find. The other people my age haven't clung to me the way I cling to them. They don't need me the way I need them. Maybe my expectations are unreasonable, or maybe I am just not trying hard enough. I mean, I have lots of good friends, but it doesn't seem like they are invested in me the way I invest in them. I am so intentional about being friends with them and committing myself to them and trying to grow close to them, and it is looking a lot like that is just foolishness to expect that same thing in return. I am just terrible at being friends with people anyway, no matter how hard I try to be the sort of person who people will want to be friends with. I am still just Mara, who is way too intense and who says insensitive things without thinking about it and who tells it like it is a little too often and who doesn't understand the giggling and flitting around thing that girls are supposed to do and who doesn't like doing anything social and who is out of touch with the emotions of the people around her, etc, etc, etc. Maybe people just don't see past that and into the person who desperately needs to be needed. Maybe that is just all that is there. Or maybe they just all have their own friends, and do they're just not looking for new ones. In a way, I've given up. High school is over, and so I am done investing so much in relationships that are barely there to begin with. I love all my friends very dearly. They are wonderful people. But there are other people out there, and I have other people who are investing in me the way I tried (and failed) to invest in my peers, and who either haven't caught on to my issues or just don't care that much about them. Granted, those people are all adults. But if that is who I have, then that is just how it is. And I want to give to people who are giving back, too. I hope this doesn't sound terrible and make people think I am horrifically cynical or that I've been treated like crap for six years, because that isn't the truth. Well, actually I am pretty cynical, but I think I try to counteract that with logic and reason and whatnot.

My logic in regards to the above paragraph: I will probably not feel so much like this in a few days, and tomorrow I will probably feel like a fool for saying all this on my blog, so don't be too worried or anything.

Tomorrow will be a good day, I think.

We got a sweet game today. It's called Rush Hour, but it's the Safari edition, so instead of cars you have little animals. It is pretty awesome. Me and Patrick and Mattjones played it at youth group tonight.



My brain has not been functioning well at all the past several days. Just so everyone knows. I hope I am not getting sick or anything. If I have said anything stupid or forgotten anything important (or not important too, I guess) or done anything that didn't make sense, I am not surprised, and I'm very sorry if I messed anything up. I am just going insane or something.

I need to try and sleep now. And write letters, because I am behind with that.

Sincerely,
Mara Tenille

I'm waiting for tonight, then waiting for tomorrow, because I'm somewhere in between what is real and just a dream...

Today this is my song.

I can't be losing sleep over this, no I can't
And no, I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours, I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head, but underneath my feet
Because by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

Because I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real and just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

Because I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real and just a dream

Yesterday was a lovely day.  The Borems came and had lunch with me and Mom, which was a lot of fun.  They are really wonderful people, and I like them a lot.

Andrew, AKA the best boyfriend in the whole world and in all the other planets too, came over last night and surprised me.  We watched a movie.  That was also lovely.

Today I am in a weirdish mood.  I am feeling this song, for some reason.  I am angry and happy and frustrated and thrilled and upset and pleased all at the same time.  My life is going in two totally different directions simultaneously, it seems.

I am slightly miffed because I lost my portfolio letter, which is my last paper for Comp.  So I am writing that now.  I really only lost a page or two of progress, so I will survive, but you know.  It's still irritating.

Sincerely,
Mara Tenille, the Butterfly Child